I'm Not a Dummy For Dummies

The more I look at the bookstores, the more intelligent I feel. Hordes of Stephen King clones, do-it-yourself everything (if I'm not doing it myself.... how am I doing it?), self-help for every possible neurosis, and the latest sappy tearjerker du jour. I see all this, and realize two very important things. First of all, the intelligence and capability of the 21st century man is comparable to a squid, and secondly that I don't stand a fucking chance of getting published.

I like to go to the library, its kind of like finding religion. I go in with all this anger and general lost feeling, and I leave with some semblance of direction and hope, or at least the hope I'm not wasting my time with the books I checked out. That and I feel somewhat more secure in myself, knowing I didn't need "Choosing a Dog For Dummies". (Yes, it really exists, look at this.) I think at this point, I can easily add another bit to my squid analogy. The 21st century human being has as much spinal content as a squid. Every possible neurosis has a "For Dummies" it seems. Where's "Hypochondriacs For Dummies"?

This is not to say the "For Dummies" books are all bad. I've perused a few, myself. Notably for programming and the random publishing information. I find that a few are genuinely useful and actually have helped me in certain skills or in my understanding of things. But the rest... The rest are so useless that the only use they really have is kindling. (Kind of like Dianetics. I've actually used that book as kindling, and I must say, it burns rather nice.)

Another thing that disturbs me is the idea that any level of celebrity means you're automatically entitled to a biography, be it by yourself of a third party. I don't see exactly how the biography of Cher or the Backstreet Boys is of any literary value. Sure, its entertainment, but dear god, think of the paper that had to become that tripe! It could have been something better, like used to wipe an inmate's ass! There are more books on the Backstreet Boys than there are fans of the Backstreet Boys. Seriously, though, do we need another biography of Princess Di or OJ Simpson? More so by their bodyguard's brother's drug dealer?

Now for how this affects me and my craft, directly. I can't write with a target audience of sentient sea sponge in mind. That's the majority of what sells, sadly. The majority of what gets published. Not to mention the fact that everything HAS to fall into categories that are as close to single-word as they can manage. Sci-fi, horror, romance, mainstream, its like we dumb everything down to the point where innovation is so hard to do, and then indoctrinate future writers with "its all been done before, don't even think your stuff is in any way new or groundbreaking. Now sit down and write another For Dummies guide. How about Masturbation For Dummies? That been done yet?"

You laugh now, but keep an eye out next time you're in a bookstore. I'll have the last laugh yet.